eatmorepizza's Diaryland Diary

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Vicious Cycle

Honestly I don't know where to begin. My last entry was two years ago. The entry before that, over a year. I logged on here, brushing off the digital cobwebs on this old thing. Looked around at the coffins of former friends who used to write on here. Some of you still write on here! But honestly, I can't imagine any of you still have me on your friends list. Why would you? I'm a ghost.

The business of catching up seems daunting so let's just break it down into highlights. I've written my first episode of television. Meaning it actually aired on TV. Pretty cool.

My weight has fluctuated a good thirty to forty pounds back and forth. Luckily on the lower side of that fluctuation recently. It' amazing what not eating like an asshole will do to you.

I've had my heart kicked around a bit. Nothing new. Really leaned into the online dating world which seems to only bring results. It's a vicious cycle of being lonely, downloading the apps, going on dates, getting burnt out, and finally deleting the apps. Few months later the loneliness creeps back in and my old dating accounts welcome me back with open arms.

I'm 31 and I still haven't figured out what I'm doing when it comes to love. It's put me in situations where it's hurt me, or worse... led me to hurt other people the way I've been hurt in the past. Vicious. Cycle.

Now, I spend my days at work, and spend my nights home, alone, sometimes smoking weed just to make sure I can sleep, and I just... I wish for moments of peace. A moment where the white capped rapids of my anxiety subsided and I could just ease on down the river and enjoy the sunlight. Everything just feels... tough. Even breathing feels like a chore.

That's all for now... Maybe I'll start posting more again. Maybe it helped and I just forget. Maybe it never did anything at all.

10:18 PM - August 26, 2019

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