eatmorepizza's Diaryland Diary


Goodbye Honeymoon

No post after midnight is ever a good start. But there is some good news to share: I have found love once more. This time it feels like it might actually stick around, too. It's only two and a half months it, but it's been a full two and a half months, if that makes sense. We see each other more often than we don't, our longest streak of days seeing each other currently hanging around 12, and the "I love you's" have been said and said often.

Great, B, what's the problem?

Well, I'm the problem. Surprise. That is to say if there is a problem, it is currently all in my head. I can feel the transition from honeymoon phase into just regular 'ol relationship coming and in some ways it's good. The more normal everything becomes, the more relaxed you become with the person, the less stress and anxiety and uncertainty from not knowing if it's a real thing or not... these are all good things. But what also comes with it is some of that passionate "I love you, I miss you, it hurts not being around you" stuff. And while my logical side understands this, my emotional side is scared as fuck that she's falling out of love.

Here are the symptoms, and mind you it's been like one fucking day... but I can't sleep so let's just write it down: shorter texts, delayed responses, one "I love you" not returned back...

...yes. I'm crazy. But I notice this shit and it spirals me out. I think I've just had so many experiences where for no uncertain reason, feels have ended seemingly out of nowhere. I also have a tendency, when I "feel" somethings off I'll bring it up. Makes for a lot of "you okay?"s and "Everything alright?"s and that might just be as dangerous and harmful to a relationship. You ask someone if they're mad enough times, eventually it's the thing that makes them finally answer 'yes'.

Always in extended relationships where I fall deeply for someone, I end up becoming insecure, and losing confidence. I need to do a better job of not letting my relationship set the tone for my mood and my life. For the benefit of both of us.

Now if only I could get myself to go to sleep.

3:17 AM - December 11, 2019


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